When people consider hiring a doula as a member of their support team, they often envision the skilled labor companion who knows a variety of comfort measures, key positions, and can provide emotional support on the big day (or night) of birth. This image is short sighted, however. For many of my clients, much of the work I do occurs before or even after the birth itself. And there is a lot that happens behind the scenes that they may be unaware of.

When I am officially hired by clients, I secure them on my client calendar, thus taking up a spot, and limiting my availability to other potential clients. The deposit is assurance to my clients that I am committed to them and available to serve them. Once the spot is taken it’s taken. I am available to them from that point on, for resources, emotional support, or just to connect over email or phone. For many of my clients, the birth is the culmination of all the emails, texts, phone conversations, lending library pickups, and more. And for a far greater number, the birth is the longest time we spend together. But both views are short-sighted. Just ask my family. They see what doula support truly looks like from the back end. And it doesn’t look quite like that.

Being a doula also requires a certain lifestyle commitment. A sacrificial one. Let me put it another way. I am the most reliable person to my clients, but the least reliable to my friends and family. What I mean is, I never know when I might need to cancel on someone, miss a night out, give away tickets or never use them, or leave a friend stranded in the middle of an event…all because a client wanted me for birth support. These calls away are for an indefinite amount of time, which can pose more challenges than the initial leaving. I may be gone 3 hours; I could be gone 33 hours. I’ve been gone even longer than that. And there have also been false alarms—texts and calls through the night that didn’t end up as labor, rather just a sleepless night without a birth, leaving the potential for another sleepless night when labor does come.

I’ve worn my doula clothes to social events and carried my doula backpack with me everywhere. I am always begrudgingly beholden to my phone, and I mean ALWAYS. I wish I could turn my ringer off and be assured of an uninterrupted night’s sleep, but I can’t. Most of these urgent “it’s baby time” calls come in the darkest hour of night when the most people are at home asleep and very few are on the road. And I always must watch my alcohol consumption, careful that I am able to drive if needed at all hours. Along those same lines, I also closely monitor my gas tank, trying not to let it creep too low for too long. If I do, I will invariably get the call on an empty tank and must stop for gas on the way, wasting precious minutes and possibly taking a risk depending on the hour of night.

I can’t ever take trips, not unless I schedule them eight months in advance, or a miraculous opening presents itself between due dates, or babies blow through expectations by birthing all over the place. This happens rarely, so when it does, I take advantage. My husband spends more time driving to visit my family than I do, as I hang back to be ready should my clients call in labor. I have missed many opportunities for out-of-town visits because I was on call for clients and couldn’t leave the area.

Please know when you pay the fee for a doula, it’s so much more than being at your birth. It’s about being present and available from the time of hire. It’s the huge impact it has behind the scenes on your doula’s life, and the lives of her children and partner. It affects her friends too, as they love her even though she might cancel on them last minute. It’s very demanding work, and downright unsustainable if there is no passion for it.

And that’s just it. Being a doula is my passion. It’s not just a job. It’s a way of life. It’s a deep drive in my heart to be present for women and their partners as they become parents. And my position is a place of humility at the foot of the birthing woman, as I am there to serve her, despite changes in plans, unexpected twists, and turns, and even in the rare times when everything goes just as expected. The fee covers the hours I spend with you during your birth. But it also covers the weeks and months I can be a resource for you before then. And finally, it covers the complete lifestyle commitment to the work I do that is a constant in my personal life, regardless of any one client’s particular due date. My family gets it though. They are on this roller coaster with me, and they realize how important it is that I am available to my clients when it’s baby time. Plus, they also understand that most holidays can be shifted. ;)