Don't Call Me Mama

I hear statements like these often at births:

“Mama, I’m going to ask you a few questions.”

“You got this, Mama!”

“Mama, you are going to meet your baby soon!”

While I don’t think these comments are meant to be negative or derogatory, they are directed at a watered-down version of the person being addressed. There is no use of a person’s name in these interactions, only the new label as mother/mama/mom.

Let’s think about this though. Pregnancy, let alone birth, is a life-changing experience. It is one in which women struggle to maintain an identity for themselves despite being a mother. It starts from the very beginning. As their body is overtaken by the growing baby, everyone, even complete strangers, feel compelled to reach out and touch the swollen abdomen, an act that one would never consider doing on an unpregnant belly!

Consider these unpopular truths that are the reality for some. What if the person giving birth is not excited about motherhood? What if she is petrified of her new role? Perhaps her relationship with her partner is not the best, or it may be that the partner is not eager to welcome a baby. Is might be possible that she never wanted to be pregnant in the first place, and she is still trying to wrap her head around it. Birth is not always a joyful occasion. Would she want to be called, “Mama?”

But even if the woman is thrilled to meet her baby, shouldn’t we address her by name? For in the event of giving birth and meeting her baby, she will also be reacquainted with herself. She may be a little different than before, but she will still be herself. She is so much more than a mama. And she may have years of struggling to see that and convey that to a world that pigeonholes her into the motherhood identity.

I recognize that in the hospital setting it can be particularly difficult to recall the names of several patients in your care. But I also see the dry erase boards in every room with names listed. And when the computer screen is opened the patient’s name is visible. There are ways to find out on the sly. Or simply ask her if you don’t know or remember. So you can address her by her name.

Empowerment can be found in giving birth. But it can also be lost in it. Please don’t initiate the loss of self by calling her mama. Call her by her name.